a very long vacay~

I have been waiting forever to have a well-deserved vacation. Finally, it’s going to come true! I am going on a very long and exciting vacation with different group of friends for 2 weeks! I am so excited. Then again, since I am flying out of the country, I am kind of scared. I don’t want to be sick. And I don’t want to use my other VLs for self-quaratine time. But I don’t have a choice! I have to stay put when I get back, relax and I will definitely won’t miss work!!! hahaha… But there’s an option to work at home, I hope I can do that instead since I usually really do that. *sigh*

But enough thinking about the after vacay event… I want to treasure and dwell on the vacay moments! I am going to Zambales with office friends this Friday for an overnight holiday, post-summer, bonding event. When we get back to Manila by the 13th afternoon, I have to go with my kikay friends and check-in at the BW Astor hotel in Makati. This is for an overnight birthday celebration for my friend… then go to work for 2 days and I am off to Bali, Indonesia!!! Where I will relax, swim, beachbum a bit and surf!!! I am so excited!!! Can’t wait for this so very big event!!!

Something worth waiting for!

light-dark

the light shining through your windowless room
afraid to catch the sun and to feel the burn
to feel heat is unimaginable

though light can shine from within
not just the light from the sun can distract you
of endless puzzles
of unknown future holds
the key to one’s strength or weakness

are you still afraid of the dark?

been a long time

It’s been two months since I last updated my blog and a lot has happened already. December was a blast as I continue to celebrate my bday in Boracay with TJ (one my galpals)… It was a great vacation though we have alot of work when we got back in the office. Christmas was fun and the Christmas party was awesome. It’s been awhile since I’ve attended the company’s xmas party and I am so happy that I get a chance to be there. New year was spectacular since I was able to celebrate it with my family and it was a fun yet short celebration. Everybody was really sleepy.. hehe…

2009
It is a normal start of the year when all h*** broke lose and our future became blurry and foggy…
CCTY closed down and that includes us. I hated it since I really loved and had fun with that campaign. Though I understand that it is harder for those in the US. With all the craziness and stuff going on, me and my friends still had time to unwind and have fun. We went to Baguio and had a blast. We went there with our godson, Nathan and we visited the strawberry farm. After CCTY, it was pretty much a floating lifestyle. Not much to do other than being interviewed here and there for the agents and well, for now… we are with TF. It’s actually easy and now, I suddenly had the urge to actually go and visit Iloilo again. I missed that place and since that’s one of the places that I visited with my aunt. After a week in inbound, we will be in floating status again and we cannot avoid the fact that there will be major changes ahead. I just hope that it’s not going to be one great and big change not only for me but also for my friends.

disappoinment

This is why it sucks to be single. I was supposed to go out with my friends, they either cancel or ignore you and the next thing you know you’re undressing and putting on your house-clothes again. I don’t like it so much. It seems like when the other couple friends that I have have a date, definitely I can’t go with them and when you’ve decided to go out with them, all the other friends cancel out. Soon enough, I can go out on my own and I can get around and stay out by myself. I can do that though I will really look pathetic.

…

i thought i could control everything and i can’t. i met someone who i thought was — well he’s not. did you ever like somebody but everytime you try to do better you end up doing things that are so out of the line? way out of the line! you feel and think about things you shouldn’t be feeling and thinking of. and i am so screwed!

stand-still

I am not giving up but I am not in a state of moving. I am in a stand-still with whatever is happening in my life. I want to say I am lost but I don’t even remember starting this journey. This situation is killing me as much as I don’t want to be affected. As much as I do. As hard as I try. I am still empty. I feel shallow deep within and the space keeps me thinking. I am never good at things like this. I never had anything like this. Though every single step I make leads to a dead-end.

Why do people think too much of things? Why do I think too much? Why can’t enjoy the moment? Am I afraid? Am I scared? Of course I am. I am scared as hell to be just another crazy person out there not sure of what to do with life. Unsure of what I really want yet yearning for someone to understand. For someone to stay with me and say and make me feel that everything will be alright. What is it with us women that makes our life more complicated than ever? I can play but I always end up losing the battle. So is this really what I want or is this the role I am supposed to play in life? Isn’t it unfair? Isn’t it crazy to be just like this. I don’t know what to do anymore. Or how to react on things I have no control over. I want to rest. I want to smile. I want to smile and I want to be happy. If it’s possible to just be happy with myself without anyone bothering me. No one bugging me and all that. No one telling me things I cannot handle. Things that I am not capable of understanding. and feeling… My world is upside down and I think everything good that comes to my world dies or just grow tired. Leave and start anew. and I am left yet again on a stand-still.

my life (past and present)

I never had a fairytale lovestory.. I never experienced the dates, the effort. Walang pahirap, fun lang lahat. I just wish that somewhere in my crazy and odd life, someone can make me feel really special. Without my help. Without pretending it’s perfect. Someone to sweep me off my feet, even just once. To help me stop pretending that I’m happy. No best foot forward but never stop surprising me. That I am good enough and worthy of love. That I’m not just another girl in the crowd. That somehow I can really be someone special to someone else.

matters of the heart

What is it with love and getting hurt and feeling pain? How much joy does it give us that in the end it kills your dreams and hopes and even your ability to love? For those who had their hearts broken, it is not easy to move on.. that’s true; but eventually through time you will find love again and will love yourself more than anyone else.

* You have to risk and love without conditions. Pain makes you strong and not the other way around. It makes you wiser not to commit the same mistakes twice. It makes you bolder and more mature. Lastly, you have to learn from the experience and not just feel it.

* You have to learn from every thorn that strikes and every tear that fall. Face each day with your chin up and all. One step at a time, but it should be with much effort than ever.

* Just be hurting. You can’t be healing when you’re hurting. You can’t fix something that is not ready to be fixed cause you’ll be just doing jumping jacks. You get tired and dizzy yet you’re just still there without much change as expected.

kilig moment

I hate to admit that I miss him and I feel ‘kilig’ when he text sweet messages. I believe that Im not supposed to feel this way. Although it is a very uplifting feeling. I miss the kilig moments with Mark, back then it was so different. Back then I also refused to believe that I was falling for him. So what does this ‘kilig’ factor really do to us? Especially to girls… do guys have this as well? Do they really admit that they are ‘kilig’ when a girl they like says hi or what-nots to them? What do you guys think?

For now, I just want to enjoy our time together… Spend time and get to know each other… Maybe then, I can really tell my friends that I am dating him or if that’s really the case… We’ll see.

i wasn’t played… just missed

I texted him since he wasn’t texting or making any effort to contact me after we met. I was really thinking about the things he were saying and I was too curious if he can really be man enough to work on those things. It made me excited though… Anticipating the time that we’ll see each other again to talk and catch up with the things we did at the time we spent apart. He texted last night saying that he got sick and he is still not feeling well. I checked if he was okay and if he got his meds and vits since that’s what he needs. He did and he said he missed me and that he was sorry for not texting. The funny part there is that I really have to pretend that I didn’t miss him, when in fact, I did. I was so curious and almost frustrated with how things were going when I saw 1 missed call in my cell after lunch. He called and I failed to answer it. After checking if he was still awake, I called him. He woke up and decided to call me. He wasn’t doing anything and was just trying to get some sleep again. It was nice to hear his voice and I was happy that he tried to call me. He said he missed him and I said I missed him too. (I did miss him. So funny.) Then he said why was I whispering and he would actually shout it out for me just to know that he missed me. I wasn’t ready for that though. He can shout it out but I can’t yet. And by the way, I didn’t ask him to… I am not going to ask him for anything… yet. I don’t think that I should be doing that for now. There’s no reason to ask him for anything. He should do things the way he wants it done because he wants it done.

I am happy, but not happy-happy… I think, a little bit more should be enough… a bit more. Then again, you’ll never know. Just want to see him again. I miss him too…