disappoinment

This is why it sucks to be single. I was supposed to go out with my friends, they either cancel or ignore you and the next thing you know you’re undressing and putting on your house-clothes again. I don’t like it so much. It seems like when the other couple friends that I have have a date, definitely I can’t go with them and when you’ve decided to go out with them, all the other friends cancel out. Soon enough, I can go out on my own and I can get around and stay out by myself. I can do that though I will really look pathetic.

…

i thought i could control everything and i can’t. i met someone who i thought was — well he’s not. did you ever like somebody but everytime you try to do better you end up doing things that are so out of the line? way out of the line! you feel and think about things you shouldn’t be feeling and thinking of. and i am so screwed!

stand-still

I am not giving up but I am not in a state of moving. I am in a stand-still with whatever is happening in my life. I want to say I am lost but I don’t even remember starting this journey. This situation is killing me as much as I don’t want to be affected. As much as I do. As hard as I try. I am still empty. I feel shallow deep within and the space keeps me thinking. I am never good at things like this. I never had anything like this. Though every single step I make leads to a dead-end.

Why do people think too much of things? Why do I think too much? Why can’t enjoy the moment? Am I afraid? Am I scared? Of course I am. I am scared as hell to be just another crazy person out there not sure of what to do with life. Unsure of what I really want yet yearning for someone to understand. For someone to stay with me and say and make me feel that everything will be alright. What is it with us women that makes our life more complicated than ever? I can play but I always end up losing the battle. So is this really what I want or is this the role I am supposed to play in life? Isn’t it unfair? Isn’t it crazy to be just like this. I don’t know what to do anymore. Or how to react on things I have no control over. I want to rest. I want to smile. I want to smile and I want to be happy. If it’s possible to just be happy with myself without anyone bothering me. No one bugging me and all that. No one telling me things I cannot handle. Things that I am not capable of understanding. and feeling… My world is upside down and I think everything good that comes to my world dies or just grow tired. Leave and start anew. and I am left yet again on a stand-still.

my life (past and present)

I never had a fairytale lovestory.. I never experienced the dates, the effort. Walang pahirap, fun lang lahat. I just wish that somewhere in my crazy and odd life, someone can make me feel really special. Without my help. Without pretending it’s perfect. Someone to sweep me off my feet, even just once. To help me stop pretending that I’m happy. No best foot forward but never stop surprising me. That I am good enough and worthy of love. That I’m not just another girl in the crowd. That somehow I can really be someone special to someone else.

matters of the heart

What is it with love and getting hurt and feeling pain? How much joy does it give us that in the end it kills your dreams and hopes and even your ability to love? For those who had their hearts broken, it is not easy to move on.. that’s true; but eventually through time you will find love again and will love yourself more than anyone else.

* You have to risk and love without conditions. Pain makes you strong and not the other way around. It makes you wiser not to commit the same mistakes twice. It makes you bolder and more mature. Lastly, you have to learn from the experience and not just feel it.

* You have to learn from every thorn that strikes and every tear that fall. Face each day with your chin up and all. One step at a time, but it should be with much effort than ever.

* Just be hurting. You can’t be healing when you’re hurting. You can’t fix something that is not ready to be fixed cause you’ll be just doing jumping jacks. You get tired and dizzy yet you’re just still there without much change as expected.

kilig moment

I hate to admit that I miss him and I feel ‘kilig’ when he text sweet messages. I believe that Im not supposed to feel this way. Although it is a very uplifting feeling. I miss the kilig moments with Mark, back then it was so different. Back then I also refused to believe that I was falling for him. So what does this ‘kilig’ factor really do to us? Especially to girls… do guys have this as well? Do they really admit that they are ‘kilig’ when a girl they like says hi or what-nots to them? What do you guys think?

For now, I just want to enjoy our time together… Spend time and get to know each other… Maybe then, I can really tell my friends that I am dating him or if that’s really the case… We’ll see.