stand-still

I am not giving up but I am not in a state of moving. I am in a stand-still with whatever is happening in my life. I want to say I am lost but I don’t even remember starting this journey. This situation is killing me as much as I don’t want to be affected. As much as I do. As hard as I try. I am still empty. I feel shallow deep within and the space keeps me thinking. I am never good at things like this. I never had anything like this. Though every single step I make leads to a dead-end.

Why do people think too much of things? Why do I think too much? Why can’t enjoy the moment? Am I afraid? Am I scared? Of course I am. I am scared as hell to be just another crazy person out there not sure of what to do with life. Unsure of what I really want yet yearning for someone to understand. For someone to stay with me and say and make me feel that everything will be alright. What is it with us women that makes our life more complicated than ever? I can play but I always end up losing the battle. So is this really what I want or is this the role I am supposed to play in life? Isn’t it unfair? Isn’t it crazy to be just like this. I don’t know what to do anymore. Or how to react on things I have no control over. I want to rest. I want to smile. I want to smile and I want to be happy. If it’s possible to just be happy with myself without anyone bothering me. No one bugging me and all that. No one telling me things I cannot handle. Things that I am not capable of understanding. and feeling… My world is upside down and I think everything good that comes to my world dies or just grow tired. Leave and start anew. and I am left yet again on a stand-still.