give up

I am quitting. Giving up. Ending something that hasn’t even started.
I was too stupid to be dependent. I should have known better. I should have been better.

Again, I failed.

Now, I am quitting. Enjoying whatever is left for me.

Smiling and crying at the same time.

…

God’s will, I will accept. God’s plan, I will follow. God’s laws, I will obey.

me.. so!

why is it that i always end up being a burden to my friends? Am i too comfortable? Am i too much? I just can’t understand why… and how…

i am…

just but another failure… =( Can never get out of it.

nervous

I am very nervous… expect the worst dear. You don’t know what you’re up against…

happiness

I am missing my happiness… =(

he hates me

…and i don’t know why.

…

you can both make me smile and cry at the same time…

the end

When do you quit? When do you give up? When do you stop?

They say that when you love, you just love. So how do you know when you’re in love? I have answered this question a thousand times. And everytime I do, I feel good. I was always in love with love. I was always up for the rough ride, for the challenges, for the pain. I have never given up on love except once. I have written about it more than I could ever imagine. Everytime I read those, I still hurt. And I hurt until I can no longer feel anything. I feel nothing. I am numb to the pain and hurt. I can no longer get in that place. It is finally over.

Now I smile. Somebody else put a smile in my face.

What do I fear most in life?

I fear a lot of things, I fear loss, I fear love, I fear being alone. The last one is what I fear the most. Sometimes I hate playing the question and answer portions I have with a friend since I do often reveal myself and somehow, I fear it as well. I love to know the people but with this Q&A portion, I feel that I never get to have the right answers to all the questions.

I fear dying alone and living alone. Alone with no one else to care for, with no one else to think about. I believe in the power of God and that he is still wrapping his gift for me and I am hoping that I can be a gift to someone else too. Somewhere, someday, I know that he will come. Though at times I lose hope and fear for myself. But I don’t want fear to take over me. I want to just stay happy and be happy with everthing and everyone around me. I want to cherish everyday with my family and my friends and myself. I want to have fun. I know I cannot ask my family for a lot of things. I need to live on my own. I know that my friends can’t always be with me to cheer me up when I’m down but I know they’re always there. I know that I have to be responsible for all the things that I do and think of but sometimes it’s just too confusing. I can be an angel or a devil but I choose to be human. I choose to feel pain and be hurt. Though I run when it gets too tough to handle. I hide when I’m too scared to face the truth and I mask myself with everything else when tears are about to fall. I used to be a very good actress. A great pretender. A mime. A blank face in a crowd. A shadow under the sun. I can be anything they ask of me but they will never feel my pain. Silent in a screaming crowd, yet still present in every way. Somehow, aware of what’s going on around but not with the feelings within. Not conscious when all around me are ‘all-smiles’. Happiness. Contentment. That’s what I wanted as well. But the most that I long for is to be loved and cared for. I often wish for a fairytale story. For a knight or prince. For a palace in the sky. These things are not important though, as what I trully long for is much simpler than that. Something very simple indeed.