distraction

I met him during the TF Cebu trip. I know his brother from the previous trip but Miggy isn’t here this time. With my other friends, we had fun. I was happy since I don’t have to think about work or any problem or even kulet. I can talk freely with and to him. I can talk about my previous relationships with very minimal comments. We shared stories and hang out together. It was great until he held my hand. I am not used to sweetness. I am not used to being taken care of. Somehow I am glad and scared. It is also confusing.

Now that we went back to reality. I have to face mine. Leave the world I had for 4 days. Friends will always be there. I just thought that if he doesn’t make himself available from this day until my birthday, then this is just another challenge. Another phase. Another test. Another ditch. I have to focus and leave whatever it was. Need to get back to my reality.

places i’ve been too

My Lakbayan grade is C!

How much of the Philippines have you visited? Find out at Lakbayan!

Created by Eugene Villar.

me.. so!

why is it that i always end up being a burden to my friends? Am i too comfortable? Am i too much? I just can’t understand why… and how…

disappoinment

This is why it sucks to be single. I was supposed to go out with my friends, they either cancel or ignore you and the next thing you know you’re undressing and putting on your house-clothes again. I don’t like it so much. It seems like when the other couple friends that I have have a date, definitely I can’t go with them and when you’ve decided to go out with them, all the other friends cancel out. Soon enough, I can go out on my own and I can get around and stay out by myself. I can do that though I will really look pathetic.

…

i thought i could control everything and i can’t. i met someone who i thought was — well he’s not. did you ever like somebody but everytime you try to do better you end up doing things that are so out of the line? way out of the line! you feel and think about things you shouldn’t be feeling and thinking of. and i am so screwed!

stand-still

I am not giving up but I am not in a state of moving. I am in a stand-still with whatever is happening in my life. I want to say I am lost but I don’t even remember starting this journey. This situation is killing me as much as I don’t want to be affected. As much as I do. As hard as I try. I am still empty. I feel shallow deep within and the space keeps me thinking. I am never good at things like this. I never had anything like this. Though every single step I make leads to a dead-end.

Why do people think too much of things? Why do I think too much? Why can’t enjoy the moment? Am I afraid? Am I scared? Of course I am. I am scared as hell to be just another crazy person out there not sure of what to do with life. Unsure of what I really want yet yearning for someone to understand. For someone to stay with me and say and make me feel that everything will be alright. What is it with us women that makes our life more complicated than ever? I can play but I always end up losing the battle. So is this really what I want or is this the role I am supposed to play in life? Isn’t it unfair? Isn’t it crazy to be just like this. I don’t know what to do anymore. Or how to react on things I have no control over. I want to rest. I want to smile. I want to smile and I want to be happy. If it’s possible to just be happy with myself without anyone bothering me. No one bugging me and all that. No one telling me things I cannot handle. Things that I am not capable of understanding. and feeling… My world is upside down and I think everything good that comes to my world dies or just grow tired. Leave and start anew. and I am left yet again on a stand-still.

my life (past and present)

I never had a fairytale lovestory.. I never experienced the dates, the effort. Walang pahirap, fun lang lahat. I just wish that somewhere in my crazy and odd life, someone can make me feel really special. Without my help. Without pretending it’s perfect. Someone to sweep me off my feet, even just once. To help me stop pretending that I’m happy. No best foot forward but never stop surprising me. That I am good enough and worthy of love. That I’m not just another girl in the crowd. That somehow I can really be someone special to someone else.

kilig moment

I hate to admit that I miss him and I feel ‘kilig’ when he text sweet messages. I believe that Im not supposed to feel this way. Although it is a very uplifting feeling. I miss the kilig moments with Mark, back then it was so different. Back then I also refused to believe that I was falling for him. So what does this ‘kilig’ factor really do to us? Especially to girls… do guys have this as well? Do they really admit that they are ‘kilig’ when a girl they like says hi or what-nots to them? What do you guys think?

For now, I just want to enjoy our time together… Spend time and get to know each other… Maybe then, I can really tell my friends that I am dating him or if that’s really the case… We’ll see.

i wasn’t played… just missed

I texted him since he wasn’t texting or making any effort to contact me after we met. I was really thinking about the things he were saying and I was too curious if he can really be man enough to work on those things. It made me excited though… Anticipating the time that we’ll see each other again to talk and catch up with the things we did at the time we spent apart. He texted last night saying that he got sick and he is still not feeling well. I checked if he was okay and if he got his meds and vits since that’s what he needs. He did and he said he missed me and that he was sorry for not texting. The funny part there is that I really have to pretend that I didn’t miss him, when in fact, I did. I was so curious and almost frustrated with how things were going when I saw 1 missed call in my cell after lunch. He called and I failed to answer it. After checking if he was still awake, I called him. He woke up and decided to call me. He wasn’t doing anything and was just trying to get some sleep again. It was nice to hear his voice and I was happy that he tried to call me. He said he missed him and I said I missed him too. (I did miss him. So funny.) Then he said why was I whispering and he would actually shout it out for me just to know that he missed me. I wasn’t ready for that though. He can shout it out but I can’t yet. And by the way, I didn’t ask him to… I am not going to ask him for anything… yet. I don’t think that I should be doing that for now. There’s no reason to ask him for anything. He should do things the way he wants it done because he wants it done.

I am happy, but not happy-happy… I think, a little bit more should be enough… a bit more. Then again, you’ll never know. Just want to see him again. I miss him too…

played :(

I dated this guy from well not-so-long-ago and it was great. He was great as usual and I guess, I was different from how he remembered me. I was hyper and talkative and crazy and was very mindful of what he’s saying and it caught up to me. Now, I am thinking about him. And I believe that’s what he wants, because he wants me to miss him… (no clue why since I already knew from then that I’m not going to hear from him again-gut feel).

But even so, now I think of him and the worst part is, I expect things. Things and topics he brought up when we were together and that sucks! I knew better than this or so I thought I did. But I can’t be like this. I love myself more and I should take care of myself. I know I can. I can block him out. But if he pops up again, will I be able to block him out, AGAIN? I am crazy and I refuse to say I am desperate. I just don’t want to be played around.

I was just played… No more explanations needed.